The first National Extreme Bog Snorkeling Association Championship to be held in the village of Glen Lachart was deemed a "disappointing failure" by competition organisers yesterday, following the deaths of thirty-seven of the event's forty-three entrants.

Following a long spell of dry, warm weather in the NESBA's usual South of England base of operations which left the normally deep bogs uselessly shallow, the event was switched to the expansive bogs of Glen Lachart.  The decision to use the village was based on organisers' conclusion that a long spell of dry, warm weather in the Highlands was "a scenario bordering on fantasy".

Bog Snorkeling - which involves putting on a snorkel and jumping in a bog - has been a popular hobby among strange folk for decades, and though experts say there has been a handful of deaths over the years, never before have thirty-seven participants died en masse.

Onlooker Betty Tailor watched as competitors warmed up by "prancing about like ninnies".  Betty then - along with the rest of those villagers who'd gathered to see what was going on - clapped halfheartedly as the snorkelers climbed in.


"After all these idjits had just started swimming about in the slime," recounts Betty, "when all of a sudden, one of them let out a yelp and just vanished under the surface."

Before the horrified spectators' eyes, the bogs began to "churn and foam", and terrified snorkelers began disappearing into the dark depths. Of the forty-three people who had entered the bogs, six managed to escape.

"It wis like they wis bein' sucked doon tae the very bottom, never tae return," commented eyewitness Hector Young (72).

"NEVER TAE RETURN!" added Hector in a loud, spooky voice.


One survivor, Aiden Holmes from Yorkshire, was rushed to hospital in Inverness, with what doctor's are describing as "large burn marks" on his legs and feet. My Holmes is also said to be in a state of "deep shock" at the present time, having spent several seconds under the surface of the bogs, perhaps watching his friends and colleagues die agonisingly painful deaths.

NEBSA Chairman, Paul Theutherwon, whose wife and brother died in the tragedy, said this year's event had been a "disappointment", and stated that, weather permitting, next year's event would once more be held in the South of England.  Paul also took the opportunity to thank the people of Glen Lachart for their hospitality and to assure them that there would be "no hard feelings" over the unfortunate enormous loss of life.

Though a thorough police investigation by Constable McClelland has found no evidence of foul play, many superstitious locals are attributing the deaths to the legendary "Curse of the Bog Women" - a centuries old myth which tells of countless legion of slimy enchantresses living beneath the bogs, waiting for their chance to rise up and destroy humanity.

When asked if he believed Bog Women were to blame for the recent tragedy, McClelland told us he considered it "unlikely".